• Lisa S. Larsen, PsyD

Judge much?

When we judge others we are judging ourselves

It may be hard to believe that judging yourself is the same as judging others, but it's true. When you are criticizing other people, you are criticizing yourself as well. You may feel momentarily good when you've put someone else down. It may seem  exhilarating and fun. You might justify it by calling it "just venting," but it affects you more negatively than the other person.

It is a form of projection, and all projection starts with the originator of the projection: YOU. I know this because I used to judge people harshly all the time. And believe it or not, my physical and mental health suffered as a result. It became like an insatiable addiction at one point; once I got going on finding fault with someone, I would dig deeper and deeper to find all their perceived failings. I learned the hard way that this only tears me down and makes me miserable. When I am finding fault with them, I cannot find the innocence, beauty, and love in them. And I miss out way more than they do; they usually don't know that I am judging them that harshly.

Different Reasons for Judging

Sometimes we judge people because they are different from us and do things in a way we do not understand. Other times, however, we judge them because they share a similar flaw that we hate about ourselves. Have you ever met someone who just rubbed you the wrong way and made you cringe every time you heard their name? I have! It turned out that in many cases, I didn't like that person because they had a quality that I didn't like in myself, and I thought that somehow I had transcended that ugly trait while they had not.

Once I learned to forgive myself for judging them and myself for that quality, I could let go of the resentment, disgust, contempt, and all the other nasty feelings I had about them. I was literally giving away my power by forgetting my essence: love. We are here only to love. However, we often forget that because we are so involved in feeling superior or inferior to others. What if we just accepted other people the same way we're trying to accept ourselves? We don't have to hang out with and spend vast amounts of time with people who irritate us, but we don't have to spend a lot of energy being upset about them either, do we?

More reflection, less projection!

Reflecting on Our judging

When we meet someone we want to judge (so badly, right?), it's good to pause and reflect on what it is that we do not like about the person. Is it because they're different in their beliefs, lifestyle, or cultural/ethnic background? If so, then we need to take a step back and say, "What gives me the right to view this person as wrong and myself as right? How would I feel if they did that to me? What good does it do for me to judge him/her/them?"

If the idea is that by judging them or criticizing them, you seek to change or eradicate them, that is 1) totally unrealistic and 2) completely arrogant. You can no more change them than they, you. If you're the type who likes to get red in the face and self-righteous, pushing your fist in the air and saying how wrong they are (yes, I have been guilty of this myself), consider the effects on you physically, emotionally and spiritually.

The Toll of Judging

Physically you're getting stressed out over something over which you probably have no control, which shortens your life, messes up your memory, and floods your bloodstream with stress hormones that are only made for fighting or fleeing. If you don't believe me, read Robert Sapolsky's wonderful book, Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers. Emotionally you're flooding yourself with negative emotions of hatred, anger, and sometimes fear. Spiritually you are forgetting that there is really no separation between you and your fellow sentient beings on earth, and so you are mistreating and judging yourself just as much as the target of your vitriol.

This is really easy to fall into in this current political climate. I have to dial back my reactions to things that are going on. Believe me, I'm not even close to perfect, but I try to become conscious of when I am judging and projecting. It actually brings me peace to stop the judging in its tracks. I am not served by forgetting to love others unconditionally.

The Man(/Woman) in the Mirror (with thanks to the late Michael Jackson)

Of course, if we judge others because they share a flaw with us, it is a great opportunity to change that in ourselves. If I hate laziness in other people, for instance, I cannot do anything about their laziness. I can do something about mine, however. I need to look inside to see where I do the same behavior that I don't like in them and address it in myself. When and how am I lazy? What can I do about it? This is not only more empowering, it's a lot more realistic. Some spiritual beliefs say that when we address our own flaws, we stop attracting them into our lives. I have experienced this. It is a nifty side benefit of clearing my own limitations and challenges.

Are you ready to slow your roll on the judgments?

This is hard work. We live in a culture that is very much dependent on comparing ourselves favorably and unfavorably with others. This comparison leads to all kinds of judgments and justifications for ugly behavior. I have seen how freeing it is to take total responsibility for how our lives progress. It is so empowering it is to distinguish between what we have control over and what we don't. If you're ready to start the process of loving yourself and others unconditionally, please give me a call: 661-233-6771. Together, through judging ourselves and others less, we can create a much more loving, peaceful world.


Contact Me

I look forward to helping you move forward with your life. Please call my office at 661-233-6771 to see if I am the right fit for you. You can also email me below.

Lisa S. Larsen, Psy.D.

(CA Lic. #PSY19046)

3123 West Avenue L-8

Lancaster, CA  93536


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