Does it pain you greatly when you think that someone thinks less of you or doesn’t want to be in your company? Do you find yourself reacting strongly to perceived insults or what seems to be rejection? You may have rejection sensitivity. It’s not a diagnosis, but it can cause psychological pain and make your relationships work poorly.
Why am I like this?
You might have developed rejection sensitivity as a child after being rejected or harshly criticized by your parents, siblings, other family members, or people at school like peers, teachers, or administrators. Maybe you were different from the other kids growing up because you didn’t fit the “norm” of being heterosexual, cisgender, Caucasian, neurotypical, or middle-class.
There are so many ways that we as humans pick on each other and reinforce division, separation, and inequality, that the sources of rejection sensitivity are seemingly endless. The important point is, you didn’t feel loved, accepted and respected for who you are as an individual. It had a lasting impact on your identity and emotional coping patterns.
If you don’t have the love and support of your caregivers or family members when people criticize you, it can feel very lonely and emotionally painful. It seems like when you get picked on, there’s no one on whom you can depend for comfort, support or guidance. The hurts and boundary violations might keep piling up, making it harder to love yourself and disregard others’ unkind treatment.
This post will answer the questions of what is rejection sensitivity, and maybe more importantly, how do you deal with rejection sensitivity.
What is rejection sensitivity?
Rejection sensitivity is a psychological phenomenon where you’re particularly sensitive to, and anxious about, the possibility of being rejected or criticized by others. It can look like heightened concern about social interactions, a tendency to anticipate rejection even in ambiguous situations, and a heightened emotional response to perceived rejection or disapproval.
This sensitivity can affect various aspects of your life, including relationships, work, and social interactions. In response, you might resort to avoidance behaviors (staying to yourself, or possibly substance abuse or other distractions). It also causes emotional distress.
How can you cope with rejection sensitivity?
Coping with rejection sensitivity involves several approaches that can help you manage your emotional responses and interactions more effectively.
· Awareness and Acceptance: Recognize and accept that rejection sensitivity is a valid feeling. Nonetheless, it doesn't define you. Acknowledge when you're experiencing heightened sensitivity. This can be hard at first because it might be your default position when dealing with other people. However, when you start to notice the emotions and body sensations that accompany it, it becomes easier to unpeel yourself from the automatic response.
· Challenge Negative Thoughts: Practice cognitive reframing to challenge your negative interpretations of social situations. Consider alternative explanations for others' behavior. For example, if someone looks in your direction with an unpleasant face but doesn’t say anything, you can think “that person looks unhappy. I wonder what’s going on for them?” instead of automatically assuming that they’re unhappy with you.
· Build Your Self-Compassion and Confidence: First, have compassion for the uncomfortable emotions that are coming up. Then, you can remind yourself that whatever you’re feeling, it is temporary and doesn’t define you. Neither do other people’s opinions, which is vital to remember. As you start to do this, it gets easier to tend to your emotional reactions.
I believe that this is critical to do before trying to strengthen your self-esteem and confidence through positive self-talk, affirmations, and focusing on your strengths and achievements. Why? Because you’re not going to accept and believe what you tell yourself until and unless you acknowledge the hurt you’re feeling first.
· Develop Coping Skills: Learn and practice relaxation techniques such as deep breathing or mindfulness to manage anxiety and stress related to rejection. You might put your hand on your heart and acknowledge that pain, and breathe into it until it fades.
· Seek Support: Share your feelings with supportive friends, family members, or a therapist who can provide empathy, perspective, and guidance. Don’t keep going back to the same negative people who made you feel crummy about yourself in the first place!
· Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that not everyone will like or approve of you, which is fine and normal. You don’t like or approve of everyone else, if you think about it. Focus your efforts on building connections with people who appreciate and value you.
· Improve Social Skills: Work on improving communication and interpersonal skills to navigate social interactions more confidently.
· Reflect on Past Experiences: Think about past experiences of rejection to identify patterns and learn from them. Try not to judge yourself or the other people when you do this; it’s just a problem-solving practice. Use these insights to adjust your behavior or expectations in future interactions.
· Practice Assertiveness: Communicating assertively can help you express your thoughts and feelings clearly and confidently, reducing the fear of rejection. However, realize that some people will not want to hear what you have to say, even if you have valid points and effective delivery. That’s just how it goes sometimes, and it need not discourage you from speaking up anyway.
· Focus on Personal Growth: Do activities and hobbies that bring you fulfillment and a sense of accomplishment, independent of others' opinions. Build your sense of competency and love for yourself independently of whether others approve.
By integrating these strategies into daily life, you can gradually reduce the impact of rejection sensitivity and interact socially with greater resilience and confidence. If you’d like EMDR therapy to reduce rejection sensitivity due to trauma, I would love to help you. Please call 661-233-6771!
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