Getting Space and Boundaries in Your Relationship

Do you feel smothered by other people?

Does your partner tell you that they “need space” sometimes, or do you find yourself saying that to other people close to you? Is it hard to ask for time alone, or to spend with other friends or loved ones? These are common issues that couples and people in close relationships have. This post will examine the feeling of needing space and not knowing how to ask for it – in other words, how to set boundaries in relationships.

Boundaries in your relationship might feel merged at first.

When you first get together with someone romantically or sexually, you might feel insatiably attracted to them. You can’t seem to get enough of them, and everything they do enchants you. It’s common to have an infatuation phase of your relationship, what some call the “honeymoon phase.” Depending on several factors, including attachment style, personality, and culture, this phase can last a relatively short amount of time. This can be surprising and bewildering for couples, who often come to therapy wanting to recapture that initial “magic” they had.

It’s certainly fun and intoxicating, but it is not realistic to have that exact experience again, because as you get to know each other, you also discover that you’re different people with your own wants, needs, and preferences. These things don’t always sync up, and it’s natural to have disagreements and yes, even fights, as you settle into a more established pattern of relating. Some people see this as a sign of a problematic relationship, but that’s not necessarily the case.

How do you know you need space?

The need for space in a relationship is understandable and healthy. You still have a life outside the relationship, after all. Your friendships, career or schooling, family, dreams and hopes all existed before the relationship and should continue to thrive while you’re in the relationship. It’s important to realize that as much as you like or love your partner, you can’t be everything for him/her/them, nor can they do that for you. It’s not realistic or healthy to expect that. You might find that you:

• Miss seeing your friends and family, and want to reach out to them more;

• Feel stifled or bored if you’re spending too much time with your partner;

• Become irritated at things your partner does that used to not bother you as much;

• Crave alone time sometimes, just to go driving somewhere or get back to your hobbies.

Finding a balance between alone time, time with your partner, and time spent in other pursuits is difficult at first. The adjustment can take work and intentional tweaking on both your parts. Successful couples recognize that this is a natural transition in a relationship and treat it as a challenge, not a threat to the relationship’s existence.

If you’ve received past abuse, neglect, or r emotional hurt in past relationships, your need for space may be bigger than for others. It might feel scarier to have sustained closeness. You might not feel completely safe in the relationship because it reminds you of past trauma. Factors like depression, anxiety, and going through bereavement can also affect your ability to be present and available in relationships. It’s okay to get individual therapy for those conditions as well.

You can feel mad at each other and still love each other. Photo: Engin Akyurt

What distinguishes healthy disagreement from toxic fighting?

Some couples (and individuals) use fighting to get space. While this is not optimal, it’s not the end of the world either. Unfortunately, during a fight, people often say things that can’t be un-said. Even if you forgive your partner for those comments or actions, you probably still remember them and they still hurt.

Hopefully, there is a foundation of mutual respect, compassion, and kindness in your relationship. You realize that fights are bumps in the road and not signs that you’re doomed for failure or divorce. If you strive to understand where your partner is coming from, even if you disagree with them, you have a better chance of coming to a workable compromise.

If, however, you're looking for reasons to not get along, or you have a negative focus on your partner, that doesn't bode well for your relationship. Patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and shutting down communication for long periods of time (aka "stonewalling") are also unhealthy for your relationship, according to Drs. John and Julie Gottman.

How can you ask for space without having a rupture in your relationship?

First, it helps to recognize when you’re feeling the need for space. Identifying what you’re feeling internally and then (tactfully) expressing this to your partner is the next step. For example, if you feel cranky and nothing the person does seems to please you, you can note that in your emotions and body, saying to yourself, “hm, I seem irritable now, and I feel it in my chest and stomach. I wonder what’s going on?”

Once you’ve identified that, you can let the person know. You might say something like, “I’ve enjoyed spending the last (X amount of time) with you, but I’m feeling like going for a walk by myself. I’ll be back in an hour.” If you need more time to yourself, you can also ask for that.

Give your partner a chance to respond. They might have had plans that involved you, or they might be disappointed because they wanted to spend more time with you. They are allowed to express that, but they’re not allowed to deprive you of time by yourself. Each person’s need for space is different. You can open the dialogue to explore what will work for both of you, approaching it with a spirit of compromise and remembering that you care about this person and their feelings. And, you also care about your own needs, desires, and feelings.

Want to learn more about healthy boundaries in relationships?

If you and your partner are interested in learning how to have healthier boundaries and create enough space for each of you to feel comfortable together, couples counselling can be a good place to start. I can help you examine the barriers to making space for each other and how to overcome those challenges. Please call me at 661-233-6771 or click the button below to schedule a 15-minute consultation.