Green flags and red flags in romantic relationships
- Lisa S. Larsen, PsyD
- Aug 2
- 4 min read
Have you ever brought home a romantic partner to your friends or family and found that nobody liked them? You might have been so smitten or infatuated that you might have missed red flags that other people could see more plainly because they were not attracted to the person. It could also be that they were somehow threatened by the other person, but that's a post for another day. This post will discuss green flags and red flags when you're dating someone so you can avoid having a prolonged, painful relationship with someone who is not ready to love themselves or anyone else.
I was inspired to write this because some of my traumatized clients are so used to dysfunctional patterns of relating from their childhoods that they have a hard time knowing what is healthy. Needless to say, that is a dangerous blind spot, and I want to help you correct that.
What are green flags in a partner?
Green flags are signs that your partner and relationship are healthy and worth pursuing. That said, some people with personality issues or their own wounding are good at mimicking some of these qualities at first. However, they usually can't sustain these behaviors, because they are not genuine traits, but performative.
Honesty, patience, and flexibility are some good foundational traits in a person. Someone who believes in you and bolsters your self-confidence is important, especially if your confidence is low. You'd like someone who's self-aware, shows empathy, and helps you reduce stress rather than create it.
Does your partner have these green flags?
A person who takes responsibility for how they feel and actively processes their own feelings is less likely to project them onto you and create conflict. A healthy partner takes responsibility for their part in conflict as well and practices self-care to maintain good mental health. They don't overextend themselves, nor do they withhold support when you need it.
At the same time, they are self-sufficient emotionally and do not expect you to fix their problems or coddle them when they are being irresponsible or exercising poor judgment.
Hopefully, your partner has their own friends and hobbies, and perhaps a greater sense of purpose. This allows the person to not rely solely on you for all their needs. Similarly, you will do better as an individual if you have outside hobbies and friends, with some overlap between your friends and your partner's.
They are not afraid to display vulnerability by expressing emotion appropriately. They reflect on how they feel and can verbalize it. When you have conflict with them, they're able to compromise and take responsibility for their part in the conflict.
Green flags in relationships: qualities of a good relationship
Effective communication and maintaining individual identities are also good signs. Having equality, mutual respect, and embracing differences in each other are also good signs.
Good mental health in both partners is important for a relationship to flourish as well. That's not to say that both of you have to be perfect to have a relationship.
However, if one of the members struggles with mental health, they need to seek treatment and practice self-care to maintain their mental wellness to the best of their ability. Why is this important?
If the person has poor control over their emotions, especially anger, that can signal trouble. When you fight, are you able to maintain respect and dignity? Is the person able to control their anger and not lash out at you or insult you?
You can depend on your partner to value your thoughts and opinions. A healthy partner also honors your boundaries, including touch. They're not threatened by your having relationships with your family or friends.
They will tell you the truth even when it risks your being unhappy with them, but they are careful in the words they choose. They support your personal growth and they are your biggest champion in pursuing healthy goals. The ways they maintain their mental health are healthy and do not threaten the relationship.
Questions to ask yourself about your relationship
Generally, a healthy relationship is based on mutual respect, self-responsibility and accountability, and the ability to think beyond oneself, I.e. to consider the health of the relationship when you do or say something, rather than just yourself. This foundation of mutual respect and care can be a benchmark against which you measure your current relationship, if you're in one.
Some questions to consider:
When you have a disagreement or misunderstanding, how do you and your partner handle it?
If you have agreements or commitments you've made to each other, what do you do when those commitments are broken?
Is it more important to you to win an argument than to preserve the relationship? How often do you argue or disagree with your partner?
Do you share common interests? Are you able to have fun and be playful together most of the time?
Does your partner speak to you respectfully? Do they make cutting comments and blame you for having no sense of humor when you take offense?
Does either you or your partner have to have the last word in a discussion? Is there a spirit of competitiveness between you?
How much time do you each make to spend together? When you do, what is that time like? Are you enjoying it? Do you feel like you're getting to know each other better?
Do you stay with your partner because you genuinely respect and like them as people? Are you afraid to be alone or what it means about you if you are single?
These are just some of the factors to consider in your relationship. If you want to understand how to have healthy relationships, couples therapy or trauma-focused individual therapy can be helpful. I'd love to help you and encourage you to schedule a 15-minute free consultation. You can either call me or click the consultation button to find out if we're a good fit.
