Five things to do if you’re a people pleaser and want to stop

Do you put others' needs first, feeling like you're less important? Does it make you unhappy?

There are many ways that people adapt to stressful environments as children. Some children figure out that their parents are insecure about themselves, and become adept at complimenting their caregivers, stroking their egos. Others learn to disappear and take care of their needs independently because their parents are either frightening or unreliable. Still others find that imitating their aggressive, loud, bullying parents gets their parents to back off and leave them alone.

All these strategies can be life-saving while the kids are growing up in an unsafe or unhealthy environment, but when they become adults and encounter safer, healthier people, these strategies can be problematic. You’ve probably heard of fight-flight-and-freeze as responses to threatening situations. Fawning, or pleasing those around you while sacrificing your own wants and needs, is a strategy many kids adopt in abusive situations. This post unpacks the tendency to people-please and ways to change that relational style to others in your life.

How do you know you’re a people-pleaser?

If you’re reading this, you might wonder if you’re a people pleaser. Yet maybe you’re not sure. Here are some possible indicators of people-pleasing behavior:

·         You often walk away from social interactions feeling ripped off or taken for granted

·         You often bite your tongue when people are doing things that offend or hurt you, because

·         You fear rocking the boat, making someone mad at you, or having them disapprove of you

·         You over-extend yourself by giving more to a relationship than the other person, and then resent them for not reciprocating (even though you didn’t clearly ask for what you wanted)

·         You are afraid of being left or rejected, so you put up with unfair or inconsiderate behavior

·         You worry that if you didn’t do all the emotional labor in a relationship (calling, listening, holding space for the other people), that they would simply forget you exist.

Being generous, thoughtful and kind are all lovely things in a relationship, but when you’re doing them at your own expense, you start to feel resentful and dissatisfied. You can also get used, emotionally or physically abused, or compromise your own wellbeing and values to make the other people happy.

You might have learned this behavior in childhood with selfish, immature or abusive parents. Many children of narcissistic, alcoholic, or drug-addicted parents develop the tendency to please others at their own expense. The problem is, you forget what normal, healthy relating looks like and you can get trapped in attracting partners, friends, employers, etc. who treat you the same negative way as your parents did.

Luckily, you can change your behaviors and learn a different way of getting your needs met in personal relationships.

Get better at recognizing what you want and need in a situation

You may have become so accustomed to suppressing your needs and emotions that you no longer register them during interpersonal interactions. As a result, you might only recognize distress after the situation has ended—once you’ve already been hurt, exploited, or taken advantage of.

Developing interoceptive awareness (awareness of internal bodily and emotional states) is an important first step. Begin in low-demand situations, such as standing in line or watching television. Regularly check in with yourself by asking: What am I feeling right now? What sensations do I notice in my body? What do I need? If this feels challenging, somatic-based practices can support reconnection with both physical and emotional experience.

Practice asserting needs early

As you become more aware of unmet needs—socially or professionally—work on communicating them before distress escalates. Addressing concerns while they are still manageable reduces the buildup of resentment and supports assertive (rather than aggressive) communication. This is a skill that improves with practice; begin with emotionally safe and supportive individuals.

Balance your needs with others’

In any interaction, your needs carry equal weight to those of the other person. If you are accustomed to prioritizing others, you may fear that asserting yourself will lead to conflict, abandonment, or harm.

Pause and observe the interaction from a more objective perspective. Ask: What do I need? What does the other person need? What are each of our goals? If expectations are unclear, seek clarification. If a request exceeds your capacity or boundaries, it is appropriate to say, “Let me think about that.” If a request feels unsafe or exploitative, disengagement is a valid and protective response.

Your needs and wants are just as important as your friends', family members' or partner's needs.

Develop compassion for people-pleasing patterns

People-pleasing typically develops as an adaptive survival strategy during earlier periods of stress or vulnerability. Acknowledge that this pattern once served a protective function. Rather than responding with self-criticism, approach this part of yourself with compassion and understanding.

Maintain boundaries with manipulative or boundary-impaired individuals

Some individuals consistently disregard boundaries or use persuasion and emotional leverage to meet their own needs. While these dynamics can be difficult, they can be managed. With increased awareness and practice, you can learn to identify these patterns and maintain clear boundaries—even when others do not.

Do you want to dive deeper into your people pleaser tendencies?

If you want to develop skills to counteract your people pleasing, somatic techniques and trauma therapy can be helpful. Please call me or click the button below to find out more.

Contact