When your adolescent has strong emotions, it can be very hard to know what to do. This is especially true when your teen has told you to leave them alone, and wants to retreat to their bedroom and hide out in social media, sleep or video games. On the one hand, you can empathize with wanting “me time” during a difficult time in your life.
As a parent, there are probably times you’d like to just crawl into a hole and forget all your responsibilities, right? Yet you also know that if you do everything your teen wants you to do, you’d let them act in ways that wouldn’t serve their best long term interests. It’s hard for both of you – parent and teen. You’re wanting to respect their privacy while also letting them know you’re there for them. Here are tips for helping your teen understand and express big emotions.
Is their big emotion just a phase or a sign of something more serious?
I’m guessing that your first concern is that what they’re feeling and expressing is a sign of mental illness, or if it’s just part of the human condition in adolescence. You don’t want to over-pathologize what they’re feeling, but you also want to take it seriously. Teens often tell me that they wish their parents would take them seriously and not invalidate them when they’re upset. If their parents show that they’re open to discussing what’s on their mind, and don’t minimize its importance, the intensity of the emotions often subside over time on their own (if they’re minor), or if it’s a more serious concern, that they feel understood and cared for.
You can ask them about what they're feeling and whether they'd like to talk to a counselor or not, or take them to their pediatrician or family doctor to have them screened for depression or anxiety. That's often a good starting place. If they are refusing to go to school, their sleep is significantly disrupted, they're eating more or less than usual, and they seem more emotionally upset, it's probably a good idea to contact a professional.
What you say matters!
Here’s what NOT to say:
· Aw, come on, buck up. You’ll get over it soon!
· You don’t know how lucky you are! When I was your age… (followed by one-upping how much worse you had it as an adolescent growing up and how they’re spoiled to be upset about this current concern)
· You’re just blowing things out of proportion
· You don’t know what love is (if it’s about a breakup)
· This is because of those bad kids you’re hanging out with/the bad music you’re listening to/those damn video games you play
· You just need a project to keep you busy. Why don’t you clean out the garage/take the trash out/make your bed/etc.
If your teen is falling behind in school, withdrawing from friends AND family, seems consistently avoidant of people, is having severe symptoms (like panic attacks or not getting out of bed much), or neglecting hygiene, whereas they used to pride themselves more on their appearance, it’s more likely that they’re manifesting clinical symptoms of mental illness. In that case, you want to get them professional help.
Teens show grief symptoms and PTSD symptoms differently from adults because of their developing minds, and it’s good to keep an eye out for behavior that seems out of the ordinary. You can ask them something like, “I know that you recently went through (traumatic event/loss). And it seems like since then, you’ve been really upset, understandably. I want to know that if you want to discuss it, I’m here for you. Just let me know.” If they don’t open up to you right away, be patient. They might need to come to terms with it themselves first, or they might think they have to be strong or you won’t approve of them.
Be an example of healthy coping with big emotions.
How do you cope with stress? When your emotions are strong, what example do you set for your offspring? Do you avoid your feelings, work a lot, drink alcohol, talk to a friend? You might think your teen doesn’t notice how you’re coping with big emotions, but they are. They still look up to you, even if they won’t admit it.
You can talk to them openly about what they do to cope with big emotions. What works for them, and what doesn’t? What have you found to be helpful? Give them the benefit of your experience on earth dealing with crises and upsets, but also acknowledge when they have good/healthy coping ideas.
Listen without judgment to your teen’s big emotions.
Many of my teen clients tell me that they feel invalidated or dismissed when they share how they feel with their parents or caregivers. That discourages them from sharing more when they really need to, which can mean that they bottle it up or share their concerns with other teens.
It’s fine to share their feelings with their friends, but their friends are usually also adolescents and may not have the best advice or guidance for your teen. Before you say something like, “you don’t know what you’re talking about” or “how could you feel that way, you’re so young,” consider how it would feel to hear this. It doesn’t feel very good, does it? Especially when you’re already upset and feeling vulnerable.
Let your teen know how important they are to you and the rest of the family.
Sometimes we focus so much on what our kids are doing poorly or how we're not getting along with them, that we forget to express our love and appreciation for them. Not just for what they do in school, sports, or other extra-curricular activities.
I challenge you to find something you appreciate or like about your kid and express it to them every day, or at least once a week. Just casually slip it into a conversation, and not just "thanks for taking out the trash." Make it mean something, like "I noticed you've been helping with the chores more, and that shows me that you're taking initiative and maturing. I'm really grateful for that."
Your kids aren't there to make you feel/look good; they have struggles and challenges just as we do. If you let your kids know that they are seen, appreciated, and valued, even when they're having difficulty, it can reassure them that they belong. They are more likely to turn to you when they have trouble and to trust that you'll be there for them no matter what.
If you’re wondering whether your adolescent is suffering more severe symptoms, please call me at 661-233-6771 for teen therapy.
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