The title of this book might not immediately grab your attention, but if you're struggling with grief, it can be both enlightening and healing. Don’t let the title mislead you—this book combines scientific insight with deeply personal and relatable experiences.
I often recommend The Grieving Brain to clients dealing with Prolonged Grief Disorder because it helps them understand their internal experience and make sense of some of the unexpected symptoms they may be facing. One of the most disorienting aspects of grief is the disconnect between what you know and what you feel—you intellectually understand that life has changed forever, yet emotionally, it takes time to adjust.
This post highlights key reasons why you might want to read or listen to this book if you’re navigating a loss.
How Your Brain Processes Loss in The Grieving Brain
Grief is complex and often misunderstood. For a long time, emotions like anger, confusion, yearning, and sadness were accepted as part of the grieving process without much scientific explanation. This book explores how our minds create a mental map of the world, integrating the people and things we hold dear. When we lose someone we love, grief is the brain’s way of adapting to that absence.
Understanding this process can be reassuring, especially if you find yourself searching for your loved one’s face in a crowd or expecting them to call at their usual time. The book also sheds light on why breakups and “ghosting” can be so painful and why grief can sometimes manifest as anger.
Dr. O’Connor explains how our brain’s mirror neurons contribute to our deep sense of empathy for others who are grieving. She breaks down the bewildering aspects of grief in a way that helps mourners feel less lost and more validated. If your grief feels complicated, this book reassures you that there’s a reason for it—and that healing is possible.
How Closeness and Attachment Shape Grief
Because we carry mental representations of our loved ones, their absence is felt acutely. This often leads to a desire to maintain some form of connection with them, even after they’re gone. The concept of "continuing bonds" suggests that our relationship with the deceased doesn’t end—it evolves.
Psychologists once believed that holding onto these connections was unhealthy, but research now shows that they can be an adaptive part of the grieving process. If your bond with the person you lost was deep, adjusting to life without them involves redefining your sense of self.
For example, the book explores the experience of a grieving parent who wonders, "If my child has died, am I still a mother?" The answer is yes—the relationship changes, but the bond remains. Grief takes time, and our brains gradually reconfigure how we relate to those we've lost.
The Difference Between Acute and Complicated Grief
One of the most common questions I hear from clients is, "Am I grieving the right way?" This book addresses that concern by outlining the spectrum of grief responses, from resilience to complicated grief.
Dr. O’Connor discusses the recent classification of Prolonged Grief Disorder—a diagnosis that, while helpful for those needing treatment, doesn’t mean that taking a long time to grieve is inherently unhealthy. Some people experience severe, prolonged grief that disrupts daily life, and for them, understanding their condition and seeking treatment can be beneficial.
The book also explores the neurological differences between those who adapt to grief and those who struggle with it. Many of my clients find empowerment in understanding the biological and psychological changes they’re experiencing. Dr. O’Connor presents complex information in a way that is accessible and easy to grasp.
Moving Forward: Building a Life After Loss
Knowledge alone doesn’t heal grief—hope and direction are also essential. The final chapters of the book focus on adaptation, acceptance, and practical ways to move forward.
Some insights may surprise you. For example, research shows that engaging in activities that boost positive emotions—like attending social events or enjoying entertainment—can be more effective in reducing sadness than avoidance. While it’s important to honor your grief, incorporating moments of joy can help with healing.
The book also addresses common grief-related challenges, such as insomnia. Many people turn to medications like Xanax or Ativan, but Dr. O’Connor cautions against long-term use and instead recommends cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia.
Practical tips like these empower readers to make informed choices about their grief journey. If your grief feels overwhelming and you’re struggling to cope, grief counselling can help you. Please give me a call to make an appointment: 661-233-6771.
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Reference: O’Connor, M. F. (2022). The Grieving Brain: The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss. New York, N.Y.: HarperCollins Publishers.