Equally Gifted, Equally Flawed: Preserve Your Self-Esteem in a Judgy World

Do other people's opinions of you cause shame, anxiety, and low self-esteem? Sculpture by Glenys Barton

My husband uses this phrase quite frequently. I like it because it brings attention to the fact that we all have struggles -- things that we don’t like about ourselves and areas where we truly shine and are gifted. We all suffer to some degree from judgment, whether it’s about ourselves or others. I think there’s a healthy balance between caring what other people think about us, and living our lives freely and joyfully without concern of others’ judgment. This post explores how to preserve your self-esteem in a society that is heavily oriented towards comparison and judgment.

Judgment and Conformity

In my practice, I see a lot of people who have a great deal of anxiety about others’ opinion of them. Some have panic attacks, while others have social anxiety where their throat gets dry, they sweat, and the seal their heart palpitations in their chest. You can check in with yourself about your core beliefs about yourself. Do you have negative judgments you assume others think about you? Does this run through your head, and torment you?

From an evolutionary perspective, humans needed to belong to a herd or a pack to survive. We needed to have a certain amount of conformity to promote cohesiveness. Our society has changed quite a bit over the years, but our brains are still navigating those adaptations. We no longer have to conform to survive. There is more room for diversity and uniqueness.

Unfortunately, however, people who are perceived as different from the majority are still regarded with distrust and in some cases, hostility. How sensitive are you to the pressure of what other people think of you? How does your childhood influence your identity formation? Did traumatic events play a part in that? Do you view your differences as sources of shame or as indications of creativity and innovation? How can you embrace yourself, including the parts of you that others don’t accept or understand?

Self-Compassion can Preserve your Self-Esteem

I’ve written about self-compassion in the past, and I think it’s especially relevant here. The world is full of opinions and judgments about everything. It’s very easy to feel victimized by those judgments and criticisms. However, self-compassion provides a good antidote to the harm those judgments cause.

You can use a self-compassion break, as suggested by social psychologist Kristin Neff, PhD. There are three basic steps:

1.       Acknowledge your own feelings and that it’s caused you discomfort;

2.       Affirm that most people would feel upset if they were treated similarly (in other words, you’re not weird for being hurt); and

3.       Ask yourself what you need to feel better. It could be something you receive from another person, like a hug or kind word, or to remind yourself of your strengths and resources.

Preserving your Self Esteem Through Self-Reflection

Something you can do for yourself is check in periodically about how you feel evaluate, think, and feel about yourself. Self-reflective methods like meditation and journaling can aid you in doing this.  It might be uncomfortable at first, because you might have developed a strong inner critic over time. This often happens for people who have been mistreated in childhood or adolescence.

When you encounter criticism or rejection from others, you have a few choices. One is to get defensive and either shut down, stopping your communication with that person, or being aggressive towards them. A third choice is to consider whether there is merit or truth in what they say, regardless of how the message is delivered. If there is some truth, you can decide whether it’s something you want to change about yourself.

When others don't approve of you, how do you preserve your self esteem? Print by Lusha Nelson of Peter Lorre

How to preserve your self-esteem when others seem to disapprove of you

Sometimes, the perceived rejection or criticism is subtle. You might think the other person disapproves of you because of a look, voice tone, or the way the person phrased something. In this case, you can first ask if your perception is based in observable behavior. For example, has the person actually said or done something disrespectful to you, or are you assuming that you know what they’re thinking?

If they are saying or doing something disrespectful, is it hurting you? If yes, how badly is it hurting you? You can rate the harm on a scale of 1 to 10, where 10 is the worst hurt you’ve experienced. If the pain is less than five, you can choose to let it go. You might just think that the other person doesn’t know what they’re missing by disregarding you.

If it really causes you a lot of distress, you can assertively respond to it. However, depending on the relationship to that person, this requires a certain amount of finesse and practice in order to avoid getting into a physical or verbal fight with the person.

Are you Ready to Preserve Your Self-Esteem?

You cannot control what others think about you or say about you. However, you have control over what you allow to influence your self-esteem. The stronger your internal sense of self is, the harder it is to be hurt what others think, say or do to you.

You can develop a healthy self-regard that is humble, yet confident. You don’t have to become conceited or arrogant – in fact, that’s often a sign of deep insecurity. My hope is that you become aware of your gifts and talents as well as your limitations, and love all of what you are. Therapy for trauma can help you restore and preserve your self-esteem. Please call me at 661-233-6771, or click on the button below to see if we should work together.

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