The difference between healthy love and codependency

Codependency in relationships can create unhealthy power dynamics and ultimately, resentment.

Are you wondering if your relationship is codependent—or unsure what that even means? Terms like “codependency” are often misused in popular culture, leading to confusion and misdiagnosis. This post clarifies what codependency really is and helps you distinguish it from healthy love.

What is codependency?

To determine the difference between codependency and healthy love, let's first define codependency. Codependency originally referred to partners/loved ones of people struggling with substance abuse. The idea was that the codependent person became “addicted” to the relationship itself—going to great lengths to maintain it, even at their own expense.

This often means excusing bad behavior, enabling harmful patterns, and tolerating mistreatment, much like an addict chasing their next fix. Codependent people might make excuses for unacceptable behavior, enable harmful patterns, and tolerate mistreatment.

Over time, the meaning of the term has expanded. Today, it’s often used to describe people in relationships with individuals who exhibit selfish or controlling behavior, like narcissistic individuals. Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More, defines a codependent person as “one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior” (p. 34).[i]

Controlling behaviors aren’t always aggressive or overbearing. Codependent individuals may try to anticipate and meet others’ needs without being asked, hoping their efforts will earn affection or appreciation. When that doesn’t happen, they often feel unappreciated and fall into a martyr role.

If you struggle with codependency, you may have low self-esteem and a strong need for approval. You may have grown up in a family where caring for others—sometimes at the expense of your needs—was a survival strategy to receive love or avoid conflict. You might frequently prioritize others’ desires over yours, mistakenly believing that this self-sacrifice will earn you love and connection.

This makes it difficult for you to assert healthy boundaries or even recognize your own needs and feelings. Over time, you might get so focused on pleasing others that you lose touch with your emotional reality. It might be hard to identify or express your own emotions.

What’s wrong with the term “codependent?”

While the term “codependent” can carry a negative connotation and is viewed by some as emotionally frail or pitiful, there are few alternatives that fully capture the dynamic. Psychotherapist Ross Rosenberg refers to those who repeatedly find themselves in relationships with narcissistic partners as suffering from “Self-Love Deficit Disorder.”[ii] Mental Health America describes codependency as “relationship addiction,” noting that individuals affected by it are willing to stay in unhealthy, even painful, relationships—often with someone who is addicted, emotionally unavailable, or manipulative.[iii]

People with codependent tendencies often feel drawn to those who seem incapable of caring for themselves emotionally or physically. In these dynamics, the codependent person assumes the caretaker role, which may offer them a sense of purpose, virtue, or control. But ultimately, this pattern reinforces a cycle where their own needs are minimized or ignored—leaving them depleted, resentful, and emotionally disconnected from themselves.

Is codependency just the same as caring about other people?

Codependent behavior can appear helpful and kind on the surface, but it often stems from a hidden need to control how others feel. Even the person acting codependently may not recognize it. You might justify your actions—feeling virtuous for doing so much—but the motivation may be rooted in fear or insecurity.

For example, you might go out of your way to keep someone happy to avoid conflict or rejection. Or you may gravitate toward people who consistently under-function, so you can feel needed or superior. Being around someone who doesn’t require your help might feel unsettling, because you're unsure how to connect without "rescuing" them.

How is codependency different from healthy love?

In healthy love, both partners take care of themselves in addition to caring for the other

Healthy love honors the needs and desires of both you and your partner or loved one. In a balanced relationship, each of you gets some of what you want and need, and when your desires conflict, you’re able to negotiate fair compromises. You don’t have to suppress your needs or wants out of fear that the other person will reject or abandon you. When conflict arises, you and your partner can discuss it maturely—clearly, honestly, and respectfully expressing your concerns.

There’s no need to pretend you want what your partner wants just to “keep the peace,” and you don’t harbor resentment from denying your own needs. Instead, both of you genuinely care about how your actions affect the other. When harm is done, you’re able to take responsibility for your part and make amends without assuming that the conflict is entirely your fault—or entirely theirs. Likewise, your loved one is also able to acknowledge their missteps, take ownership of their behavior, and work to change over time.

In a healthy relationship, both partners also take responsibility for their own physical and emotional well-being. This includes:

·         Seeing a doctor, therapist, or attending support groups to care for your physical and mental health

·         Maintaining a healthy lifestyle through good nutrition, physical activity, and avoiding self-destructive habits

·         Spending time with friends and engaging in activities that bring joy and aren’t always shared with your partner

·         Tending to your own spiritual or inner needs in whatever way feels affirming to you.

When each of you has a strong foundation of self-respect and self-care, it becomes much easier to offer love and respect to one another. Caring for yourself doesn’t take away from the relationship—it strengthens it. Self-care is essential to sustaining a healthy connection, as it creates a natural balance between meeting your own needs and being present for the needs of your loved one.

What do I do if I think my love relationship has codependency in it?

If you’re concerned about whether your relationship has codependency in it, couples counseling can be useful to learn a different pattern of relating. I would be happy to discuss your relationship with you and your partner. Please call 661-233-6771 or click the button below to contact me.

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References:

[i] Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent No More. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing.

[ii] Rosenberg, R. (2013). The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us. https://www.selfloverecovery.com/pages/codependency

[iii] Mental Health America. (n.d.). Codependency. Retrieved from https://www.mhanational.org