Why Transparency and Trust are Foundational in Romantic Relationships

Open communication brings you closer to your partner.

Do you ever wonder if your partner is being completely honest with you? What do you base your suspicions on, and what does that feel like emotionally and physically when you doubt their honesty? Most people with whom I’ve spoken say that they distrust their partners when they find out important information later on, and their partner didn’t tell them at the time when it mattered. Obviously, if someone outright lies to you and you know what they’re saying is false, that engenders mistrust. But what about lies of omission – someone not giving you the full story when questioned? What does that do to your relationship? This post covers some of the ways that withholding and a lack of transparency erode trust in romantic relationships.

Why is there a lack of transparency in some relationships?

There can be a variety of reasons that partners are not fully transparent with each other. Some of the main reasons are unintentional, but there are also intentions to control the other person’s behavior or avoid accountability for one’s actions. You or your partner might fear being vulnerable, or being rejected or criticized. You might worry that if you’re open and honest, you’ll hurt their feelings or drive them away.  

You might be with someone who has an insecure attachment style, who is either hypervigilant about keeping you happy to avoid abandonment, or uncomfortable getting close to you and so appears shut off emotionally. You might have watched your parents model an abusive relationship, based on mistrust and secrecy. This might have led to post traumatic stress in your parents, or in yourself. Anyone would want to avoid that!

You might also fear that you’ll get in a fight with the partner, or have to confront an uncomfortable truth about them if you confront them or share your deepest thoughts and feelings. And lastly, you or your partner might want to conceal behavior that is potentially objectionable to the other person, e.g., cheating, financial infidelity, drug or alcohol use, or criminal activity. In the short run, it might seem easier or more convenient to not be transparent, but in the long term, it can hurt your relationship greatly.

What does transparency do for building trust?

Transparency means that you’re sharing your honest thoughts and feelings with them, which can be scary (for the reasons listed above). When you’re transparent, you’re being vulnerable with your partner and giving them a clear idea of who you are and what you want.

Your partner can hopefully use that information to feel safe with you, and share with you similarly. This builds trust because you’re both letting down your defenses and sharing from a deeper place, beyond egoic self-preservation. At this level, you’re no longer so concerned about looking good or being “right,” but rather working together to understand each other.

You’re building a foundation of mutual understanding and deepening your attachment bond to each other. Your partner no longer has to wonder or worry about what you really think and feel – you’ve laid it bare and risked being criticized or rejected. If they are reasonably psychologically healthy, they can see where you’re coming from and give up their assumptions or preconceived ideas about you. You can encounter each other in the present moment, which increases intimacy and closeness.

Is there a difference between brutal honesty and transparency?

As great as all this might sound, there is also room for privacy and boundaries with transparency. You don’t have to share every single thought, feeling, or desire with your partner, and they don’t have to, either. Pressuring them to share everything with you is not healthy either. You need to find a healthy balance, where the majority of the time you can be honest with each other, but not when doing so could harm them or the relationship.

For example, being brutally honest and insensitive is not the same as transparency. Brutal honesty is done with different intentions, such as controlling your partner or allowing yourself to vent without concern for your partner’s emotions. Transparency is done to bring you closer, even when it leads to an argument or disagreement.

Honesty and transparency are not the same as controlling behavior or brutal honesty.

Additionally, transparency is not the same as demanding that you know where your partner is at all times. That behavior can be considered controlling and emotionally abusive. It is reasonable to want to know where your partner is generally, but questioning them incessantly and in a demanding way will likely just push them away and anger them.

Transparency is sharing where you are with your partner out of consideration, such as when your schedule deviates and you’ll be apart longer than anticipated. Then your partner doesn’t have to worry about you, because you’ve told them, “I’m going to work late tonight,” or “my friend called and needs to talk, so I might be late for dinner.” This is different from reporting every minute away from your partner because they fear you might be cheating, even though you have never given them reason to believe that.

Do you want to build more transparency and trust in your relationship?

If you’ve resonated with some of the barriers to complete honesty in your relationship, and you’d like to change that, couples counseling can teach you vital communication skills and remove the barriers to greater transparency. Emotionally Focused Therapy is very useful for building intimacy and transparency between partners. Please call me if you’re interested in improving communication and building greater intimacy in your bond, or click the button below.

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