Family Therapy for Gender Identity Acceptance

Loving a transgender or nonbinary (TGNB) family member is much the same as loving any other family member. Photo by Yan Laurichesse

If you are transgender, nonbinary, or gender-fluid (TGNB), you might have varied experiences of acceptance or rejection from others in your life. You might have to hide your gender identity and be cautious about who can be accepting of your gender identity. Hopefully, you’re in a family that accepts you just as you are, with no stipulations or conditions limiting your loved ones’ acceptance of you.

However, what I have seen many times is that parents, siblings, or other family members have negative reactions to a family member who comes out as TGNB. They might reject the family member altogether, kicking them out of the home and basically excommunicating them, or it might be more subtle. Family therapy for LGBTQ+ people and their families can help facilitate better communication, understanding, and acceptance of the TGNB family member.

Transphobia is rooted in lack of education and understanding.

I often hear the parents of pre-teens or teens who are exploring their gender identity that “this is just a phase – he/she will grow out of it.” If they’re religious they might say, “hate the sin, not the sinner,” as if having a trans identity were a sin. Parents might blame themselves for “making” their offspring LGBTQ+, as if that were possible. Another way they might demonstrate a lack of understanding is refusing to use the preferred name for the person, saying that it’s too hard to remember, or mis-gendering the TGNB family member for the same reason.

Family therapy can help educate the rest of the family about what a TGNB identity is, what contributes to someone having that identity, and dispelling dangerous myths that cause family division. If the family members are open to learning about this, it can lead to greater acceptance and more supportive behavior. Not everyone is willing to be flexible or open to new ideas or information, which is unfortunate for all the members of the family. However, sometimes just a willingness to come to therapy can be a step in the right direction.

In a way, family therapy can also provide an orientation to all the new terms and ideas that come along with gender-affirming therapy. What is gender dysphoria? How can a person be a-gender or gender-fluid? Why is it important to use the right name and pronouns? A knowledgeable family therapist can help the family understand all this, which can help the TGNB person feel safer, more seen, and accepted.

Instead of alienation, family members can help a TGNB person express themselves authentically and feel secure enough to live authentically. Photo by Alexander Grey.

Parents may struggle with accepting the person’s transgender identity for personal reasons.

There may be emotional challenges or personality differences that cause friction in the family of someone who is TGNB. It might be hard for the family members to accept change of any kind in their loved ones, whether it’s gender identity, maturation, differences of opinion, or emerging independence. Parents may take the TGNB person’s coming out personally, to break away from the family and its values. Siblings may struggle with knowing how to relate to their TGNB family member now that they have a different gender identity, and distance between the family members might ensue. Family members might also feel threatened by the change, and not know what to say or how to act around their TGNB family member.

In the safety of family therapy, all family members can talk about these challenges and perceptions, gaining honest feedback and hopefully, closer bonds to one another. This is a time of transition not just for the TGNB person, but for those who love them too. All the members are somewhat vulnerable in this not-knowing space of discovery and change. Family therapy can act as guard rails for talking about these subjects without risking estrangement or alienation.

Would your family benefit from therapy for gender identity acceptance?

If you want to be closer to your loved ones and desire a safe place to explore your gender identity together, family therapy for gender identity might be helpful. I can work with you and your family if you’re 12 years or older, and your family is willing to meet and discuss these topics. Please call me if you’re interested or click the button below.

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