How to be a Good LGBTQ+ Ally

Being an ally means putting LGBTQ+ people front and center so they can feel comfortable. In your presence.

I had the pleasure of being a vendor at a recent local Pride event. I enjoyed meeting members of this vibrant community and their allies. This led me to reflect on what it means to be a good ally to the LGBTQ+ community.

You may not have anyone in your life who is part of that community, but chances are you will, at some point, come into contact with someone who is. It is imperative to know how to treat all people with dignity, respect, and kindness. This post explores how to do that.

Educate yourself about the LGBTQ community to be a good ally

Learn about the LGBTQ+ community, their experiences, and the challenges they face. It helps to read books about their experience and to distinguish between different people. For example, questioning one's sexuality is not the same as being unsure of one's gender identity.

People can be cisgender while they question whether they are physically or romantically attracted to their same gender, or bisexual or pansexual. Likewise, a person can be a drag king or drag queen without being transgender or non-binary. This doesn't mean that there are not drag performers who are transgender, but drag performers are not exclusively gender non-conforming.

Please don't expect LGBTQ+ people to educate you about the whole community. Listen to their unique experience, but understand that no one likes to be treated like a spokesperson for a whole group. Remember that you are not a spokesman for them either. If you can, give them the space to share what they feel comfortable telling other people about them, without inadvertently “outing” them when they are not ready to do so.

Good LGBTQ+ allies use respectful language

Conveying respect in your language is good for anyone, but especially crucial for members of marginalized communities.  Use language that also allows people to feel included and acknowledged. This includes asking about and using the correct pronouns and asking a person what name they prefer to be called. Sometimes LGBTQ clients complain to me that their family members or old friends use their "dead name." This is hurtful and frustrating for many folks who are transgender and non-binary.

Using the correct language involves some thought and deliberate care at first. A person might appear masculine if they were assigned male at birth or feminine if they were assigned female at birth. It may feel natural to refer to them by their apparent gender. However, when we make assumptions about a person's gender or sexuality based on appearance, we are part of the problem. The assumptions hurt more than we realize, and we should have weighed that as much as possible.

Obviously, using offensive language such as slurs is important in being an ally. If you wonder whether it's appropriate to use a term or say a comment, you might think about how you would feel if you were LGBTQ+ and someone said it about you. You can also Google whether it's offensive or ask in a Reddit group anonymously.

Just because you're cisgender or heterosexual friends think it's okay, does not mean that a phrase or term is. I err on the side of caution if I am not a member of the community, preferring to get to know the person and what their comfort level is with jokesokay and views.

Being an LGBTQ+ ally involves support and advocacy.

Support LGBTQ+ causes and advocate for their rights and equality. This includes calling in people who make heterosexist or transphobic comments in your presence. Calling in means addressing and challenging problematic behavior like microaggressions or biased comments, in a constructive, educational way. You have a private conversation with the person who made the comment or exhibited the behavior,. The goal is to help them understand why their actions were hurtful or problematic., not to shame them (which is calling out). Calling out usually makes a person feel ashamed and defensive, which defeats the purpose of confronting it. The goal is to help the person understand, a broader group of people, not to double down on their defensiveness and anger.

Additionally, if you see someone being bullied or harassed because of their gender identification or sexuality, please speak up. There's some risk involved. However, if you put yourself in the place of someone being harassed, you would probably want someone to do that for you.

Refrain from centering yourself in conversations about LGBTQ+ issues or trying to be a hero. Don't talk over or for LGBTQ+ people. Avoid making the conversation about your own experiences, feelings, or actions.

You don't have to confront someone publicly to the point about homophobia and transphobia. In fact, calling in is better.

When someone confronts you about using offensive language or making uneducated assumptions, please use it as a learning experience, rather than being offended.

If confronted with a homophobic or bigoted remark:

·         Stay calm and take a moment to reflect on how you feel, where you feel it in your body, and how you want to convey your truth.

·         Address the remark by letting the person know that you're uncomfortable with the statement and why.

·         Check in with the targeted individual and see how they feel about what's going on. Offer support if they feel hurt.

·         If a situation goes beyond words or people in the conflict seem emotionally dysregulated, you can seek help. If it's at work, you might contact the HR department or seek another trusted authority figure or support system.

By being an active, supportive ally, you can help members of the LGBTQ+ community feel included and welcome. If you need help in examining your beliefs about LGBTQ+ issues, or support in accepting yourself as LGBTQ+, LGBTQ+ therapy can be a safe place to explore these ideas. I'm happy to speak further with you and encourage you to call or click the button below.

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