What to do When your Partner is in a Bad Mood?

When you're feeling crabby, it's hard to know how to act graciously towards your partner.

Even the most harmonious and fulfilling relationships have times when one or both parties are cranky or stressed pay ahead it is inevitable that for what whatever reason, your partner will get upset with you irrationally, and even if they can intellectually understand that it’s not your fault, they might express unkind thing to you. Not everyone lashes out angrily, however. Some people withdraw, slunk, or retreat into their room.

When this happens, it is tempting for the party partner who is not in a bad mood to react. It’s only natural, after all, to feel defensive when you have been wrongly accused of something, something silly and inconsequential. Some people think that if their partner gets upset, it’s a relationship failure. I believe that the important thing is how you and your partner handle conflict when it arises and whether you are able to repair the bond between you. This blog explores what to do when your partner is in a bad mood.

Understanding your anger and what is appropriate anger management

If you grew up in a familyy where anger and conflict were handled appropriately you are fortunate. However, many grew up seeing their parents interact in disrespectful, and sometimes even violent ways when upset or stressed. You may not know what is normal, acceptable behavior if your role models did not demonstrate effective conflict or emotional management strategies.

Early in the relationship, you and your partner might find it helpful to discuss what your parents/caregivers did when they were upset. It does not have to be a formal discussion, but it might illuminate what you each consider "normal" during a disagreement. If you hear something that alarms you or the other person seems dismayed by what you tell them, it might warrant a closer look.

Pay attention to the language that both of you use when talking about responsibility for handling unpleasant emotions. If your partner tends to blame their bad mood on other people, there’s a good chance that you will be on the receiving end of that at some point. Even if you are several months or years into your relationship, it is still valuable to talk about what are acceptable ways to express emotion and disagreement.

If substances like alcohol or drugs are involved, it's much harder to have a productive and reasonable conversation. You or your partner might need substance abuse treatment if there's a pattern of substances causing conflict between you, especially if either of you feels out of control in using. The SAMHSA hotline is 1-800-662-HELP (4357) and you can find substance abuse treatment there as well.

Most people have the idea that two things are unacceptable in a partner’s behavior: cheating /infidelity; and physical violence. In the case of physical violence, safety is of paramount importance. If you are being hit, shoved, Benton, slapped, or any other form of interpersonal violence, it is important to maintain your physical safety. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233), call 911, or visit their website if you are in this situation.

Taking appropriate responsibility

However, most of the people I see are not in actively, physically abusive relationships. They may be in emotionally or verbally abusive relationships and instead, and trying to find meaning in what is happening during a disagreement. You might find yourself being out-argued during a disagreement, and despite your having a sense that you are in the right, be blamed for most of the arguments. It might be stressful to be around your partner because they are calm or friendly one minute, but easily irritated the next paid you might not know what to expect from them, and you might carry stress in your body without even knowing it when you’re around them.

Taking appropriate responsibility can help reduce the need for conflict and animosity.

In a healthy relationship, you can recognize when you’re in a bad mood and take ownership of that. You can let your partner know that you’re in a bad mood without making them responsible for fixing or regulating your emotions. This can be confusing sometimes, because when you’re upset, it is natural to want to find a cause. It’s easier to blame other people for not living up to your expectations, than to realistically acknowledge what you bring to the situation.

Similarly, if your partner is upset with you, you may be tempted to take responsibility for making them calm again. In the process, you might sacrifice your autonomy and dignity to make them happy. You might go along to get along, and your partner might get used to this. It might be tempting to give into unreasonable behavior and demands just so you can enjoy their company when they’re calmer.

However, your self-esteem may suffer in the process; you might find it increasingly harder to get your needs met in the relationship. The power shifts to the most irritable person in the room. Eventually you might resent the person more than enjoy their company. I like the phrase, "I'm sorry for my part in our disagreement," if I can see that I contributed behavior that upset the other person. You're not taking all the blame, but you're saying you're not perfectly innocent either. Taking responsibility for your part in the conflict is a good first step towards resolving the conflict.

Give your partner space and make space when you are in a bad mood

Sometimes, you need to give the other person space and let them calm down before they are ready to discuss what’s making them upset. Respecting their need for space may avoid unnecessary conflict. Pursuing the person when they've asked for space is usually ill-advised.

If you’re the one who needs some quiet time alone, you can ask for it, but it helps to let the other partner know how much time and space you need. For example, you might say, “I’m really angry right now and I need some time by myself. I’ll be back at dinner time and we can talk then.”  Some people go for a walk or a drive when they’re upset; others might need to go into another room. I guarantee you that if you try to “hash it out” while you’re both heated, you will see and do things that you will regret, because of what the Gottmans call diffuse physiological arousal (your emotional parts of your mind are in charge).

These are just some of the ways to handle your partner’s bad mood or your bad mood. And individual or couples therapy can be a very helpful way to revise the patterns of behavior that don’t work in your relationship and replace them with more understanding, compassion, and new tools for handling conflict and bad moods. If you’d like to learn more, please call me or click the button below.

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