The Age of non-consent: Non-consensual sex in committed relationships and marriages
- Lisa S. Larsen, PsyD
- 3 minutes ago
- 4 min read
We’ve seen an erosion of women's rights in the past year and a half; bodily autonomy has been stripped from women legally, and reproductive freedom is increasingly diminished as well. In this context, it is not surprising to hear of widespread sexual abuse. What is surprising is that this can occur even in this day and age, within seemingly consensual partnerships. I recently saw a news report of an international network of men who drug and rape their wives. This disturbing trend is very upsetting to discover.[i]
However, as a trauma therapist, I believe that we must be able to talk about this form of sexual violence and how to protect ourselves from people who would seek to hurt us or incapacitate us. While this topic is broader than what therapists have the power to influence directly, trauma therapy can be an important piece of the puzzle in caring for ourselves and others during such a crisis.
Non-consensual sex in committed relationships
United States, an estimated 8% of women experience non-consensual sex or rape during their lifetime. Unfortunately, when a person has been incapacitated with a sedative, it may take a while for a person to realize that they were sexually violated. Certain drugs make a person forgetful and unconscious, which leaves the person confused about what happened to their body. There are websites full of men who exchange information about how to drug and sexually assault their wives, and videos of the assaults taking place. Many of the men evade legal retribution because it is difficult to prove legally.
Additionally, without the knowledge and memory of the assault, a survivor might be hesitant to go to the police and report sexual violation. The context of the relationship adds to the confusion and disbelief. Therefore, the survivor might second-guess themselves and believe it didn't really happen. After all, this is your life partner or spouse, possibly the father of your children. How could they even think about treating you this way?
During the intoxication, the offender sometimes videotapes or records the sexual assault and posts them to the internet. This way, the violation is shared with other people who are similarly moved to rape their spouses. This is one of the many forms of tech-enabled sexual assault. I've also counseled survivors who were photographed without their permission while they were asleep or passed out while drunk.
The sense of violation is deep and the humiliation is excruciating. The victims have no say over what happens to them, during the assault or afterwards. Compounding all this is a sense of betrayal that someone you trust, enough to be consensually intimate with, karma is violating you and publicizing your victimization.
Defining & understanding the problem of non-consensual sex while intoxicated
Let me be clear: There is never consent when one person is unconscious. That is the very definition of non-consensual. As RAINN clarifies, consent happens only when both partners are of legal age, sober and alert, and not under coercion or threat.[ii]
Men can also be sexually assaulted while asleep or during intoxication, although they are assaulted at a much lower rate than women. Nearly half of women have been sexually assaulted at some point in their lives, while roughly 16% of men have.[iii] Men may be less likely to report it or create public awareness, because they might sense that it is deeply shameful to be that vulnerable and to be exploited.
Regardless of gender identity or sexual orientation, both people need to be able to consent for the sex to be consensual. Many people have evaded justice for rape because our society disbelieves survivors who can't remember the details due to intoxication.
In the aftermath of sexual assault, survivors might experience physical and psychological illnesses, which might persist for months or years. They might increase substance use or abuse and engage in risky sexual behavior. Their ability to work might be compromised, and it might be hard to form trusting relationships with others.
Abusive partners can also drug their partners to undermine the other person’s agency (like sabotaging a job interview) or control their behavior. At times, drugging can even be to disable or kill the partner.[iv] For the purposes of this post, I am limiting the discussion to sexual abuse.
What do you do if your partner has had non-consensual sex with you while drugged?
First, it does not matter how long you have been with the person who assaulted you or your relationship to them. Whether you were drunk, asleep, wearing a skimpy outfit, or under the influence of a drug, the responsibility is 100% theirs, not yours. Don't let yourself or others blame you for what has happened to you. Period. No one deserves to be raped or sexually assaulted.
If you believe that you were sexually assaulted while drugged, and it has been one to two days afterwards, please go to the Emergency Room. They can do an examination of you to preserve evidence in a “sexual abuse exam.” An advocate from a local domestic violence agency can escort you if you feel frightened. In the Antelope Valley, you can contact the Valley Oasis Center here.
Agencies like the National Sexual Abuse Hotline (at 800-656-4673) and RAINN[v] have resources for rape crises like this. You may also wish to get legal counsel, and if possible, get out of the house that you share with the person who assaulted you. The Domestic Violence Agency can give you legal advice about how to handle the situation from a legal standpoint, and can also help you with other forms of support and practical assistance.
To deal with the psychological aftermath, trauma therapy can be useful. There's a lot to grieve and process. You might feel very hurt, betrayed, and in disbelief or shock.
Techniques like EMDR therapy and Somatic Stress Release may be helpful for processing the trauma, even if you cannot remember the details. I would be happy to assist you in whatever way I can. Please call me if you are interested in receiving therapy for trauma, or click the button below.
References:
[i] The vast network of men drugging and raping their wives: https://youtu.be/Px49-Qe42Vg?si=j7H1whEVOkRMnKM3
